This month has proved to be a rocky one for me. I’ve heard it’s been pretty intense for nearly everyone. Certainly, the majority of my friends seem to be experiencing upheaval in their lives in unexpected ways. If you follow astrology, July and August are filled with
intense astronomical activity. Between July 12th to August 19th there are three eclipses and three major retrogrades. These are powerful psychic forces whether one views them as cosmic reality or as symbol and metaphor.
This has been a month of severe anxiety in my life. In my mental life, I’ve been forced to examine and reexamine a lot of my past and how it relates to me now. There’s been a lot of meditation, but also a lot of groping and searching on my part. Often times there’s been a lot of frustration, which is characterized for me by the process of digging in the dirt (remember that Peter Gabriel song from the 90s?). It’s messy and painful, but also necessary. It’s a part of the shadow work I mentioned in a previous post. The digging, the clawing, the groping, the pushing and pulling, can be metaphorical – a mental exercise – but it can also be quite literal. Some people may engage in cleaning their house or digging through old photographs boxed up in their basement. Some find garden work, 
where they actually are digging into the earth, to help them visualize and feel the process. For me it’s mostly been mental. And just when I think I’ve figured things out and the light is about to dawn, I found myself falling backwards, the rug ripped out from under me. And I was the one doing the pulling on the other side!
It’s easy to just give up. I’ve done it in the past. But what I am finding is that I learn so much more if I push through it. It sometimes feels like I’ve lost control of my bike heading down a steep trail in the woods and I’m banging into every tree on the way down (I’ve actually done this in my youth). It hurts and there are cuts and bruises and new scars being born, but I rise stronger and more mentally able to meet new challenges. And there are a LOT of challenges ahead, so I better prepare myself for them.
But this month, it wasn’t just a mental struggle, it was a real-world struggle as well. I had been working on a new job opportunity since April. I did all the things one is suppose to do when on a job hunt. I studied up on the employer, I knew all of the functions of the job and the department. I read up on all of the people I would interview with for the position. I bought a new suit, I did the hair, I matched the perfect accessories to the overall look. And I had FOUR interviews with them between April and June. After each interview, I followed up with personalized “thank-you” notes to each of the committee members. It felt like I had the job.
On July 26th, the day Mercury went retrograde, I received an email. They thanked me for my time but informed me they were going with another candidate.
Just FYI – Never hurts to be prepared!
Initially I felt crushed. I felt all of the things one typically feels when they put their heart and soul into something and then don’t get the payoff in the end.
So, I meditated and did some long, hard, soul searching. And what I discovered about myself, is that the type of position I was going after in my life, no longer resonated with me. In fact, even during the early days of the job search, I lamented the idea of going back to office work. It felt stifling and the very idea of it hurt. I wanted the job, not because I really love that type of work, but because I was afraid due to financial concerns and this type of work was comfortable for me. But the idea of the daily grind was painful. I couldn’t even visualize myself there.
The lunar eclipse this month is about letting go of the things that no longer serve us. It’s about letting go of what came before and embracing a new beginning and journey in life. And this eclipse seems especially brutal (at least to Aries) because we’re not being given a say in the matter. The Universe is saying, “ENOUGH!” In this respect, it’s actually a kindness. I didn’t have the will to just walk away from something that wasn’t working 
out for me because I was afraid. It had to be done for me. I’m now free to move on to something I feel an affinity for in my life. I can see where stagnation kept me from higher, more important achievements. I was able to see this because of all the meditative pre-work I did for the past few months. Once the decision was made for me and I got over the initial shock of it, I was almost immediately able to let it go and move forward. I feel in my heart, things will work out for me if I stay on this path of self-discovery and transformation.
Just to illustrate how powerfully chaotic this month was for me, even my flower garden was wiped out in a freak and terrifying hail storm that came out of nowhere this week. But even that had a positive effect. I didn’t really know what I was doing when I created the first garden. I placed things next to each other that didn’t have a mutual benefit. One side of the garden thrived while the other limped along. I cried when the garden was destroyed. It felt like God stomped on it to add insult to injury this month. But in reality, I can now replant the garden with more knowledge of what I should plant. I plan to dig up the remnants and begin anew next week with more confidence and knowledge.
It’s time to transmute that shit into something beautiful.
I’d ever be accepted because I had poor physical coordination and I didn’t always understand what someone was trying to teach me due to my learning disabilities. My mother went above and beyond to find help for me — for which I am eternally grateful — but even that left me with the notion that I was a bother. Just dealing with me was to be put upon in my mind. I was embarrassed by that. I spent so much time trying to hide from the fact that I needed help, because I feared that I was too much of a burden. Every time I had to go for physical therapy or cognitive therapy for my learning disabilities, I felt extreme anxiety. My childhood and teen years were rife with internal feedback loops of negative thought energy.
we repress from our conscious minds because they represent our dark selves; the things we don’t like to acknowledge in ourselves or share with the rest of the world. It’s not always bad that we keep these things about who we are quiet (for instance, if one is filled with thoughts of violent behavior). However, it’s not a good thing to be unaware of our shadow. By being aware of the shadow side, we can actually confront it and deal with it constructively. We can incorporate it in ways that are useful to us. When we keep this side repressed, it will bubble forward in unexpected and (typically) unintended ways.
bottle things up because I feel that to express myself openly about – anything really – is to bother someone. It is due to feeling nullified in my past. Shadow work is helping me to find small outlets for expression so that I cease the endless loop of suppression and explosion.
teen years. And much of that stemmed from earlier childhood health problems (a duration from age 3 to 5 years old) which made me stand out more as a target. I developed learning disabilities and had severe coordination issues from that illness. I was also an introvert. I don’t know if I would have been so introverted had I not had such serious health issues, but I do not remember a time when I wasn’t an introvert.
lived in the suburbs and they in the city. Part of it may have been due to lack of proximity and that they viewed us as snobs (or perhaps their parents did and that perception transferred to the kids). My mother confirmed this was a problem she ran into at the school as well. Whatever the actual reason was, I was bullied from the age of 7 to 14. I was thrilled when I left that school behind and went to an all-girls high school. I remember those three years with much love, because I was finally able to have peace away from that abuse. Unfortunately, the school closed and I had to serve out my senior year with some of the same grade school kids that bullied me. One in particular was so bad that I occasionally still find myself thinking of ways to humiliate him.
While it was a momentary flash of understanding, the events leading up to this moment were a long time in the making and it would take several more months to unpack it all. One thing was clear, it was time for me to awaken to who I truly am in this life and to leave behind the fears that I had of what others thought of me. It was time for me to start healing myself so that I could be strong and face the challenges ahead. It was time to start listening to my intuition and to embrace a love of self that was missing all of my life. It was time to understand that the painful events of my past were not my fault. But more importantly, they also contributed in shaping who I’ve become. Since that fateful birthday, I’ve started to learn to re-member myself and bring in all the love, the joy, the pain and anguish, the hard work, the lessons, the people who have been there — and with these gems — find my center.
It is who and what I am. It’s as simple as that. More specifically, I am an initiate on the Hermetic path. I believe that all religions contain an understanding of the Divine, which can be found once the trappings of the cultural metaphors are shed. I believe that all beings are Divine and that each Human has within them the ability to come to know their own divinity by coming to understand their immortal Soul, created by God.
Awakening the Witch 