What the Spider Said

One of my great shadow figures in this life is the spider. Like, all of them. Except Lucas the jumping spider. But I’m pretty sure jumping spiders are the arachnophobe’s idea of My First Spider. They barely count. Still, it’s a good first step for me. I blame my father who told me scary tales of The Midnight Spider when I was a small child. He once told my sister and I that in the winter he comes on skis. You have no idea how that warped the mind of a little kid. So, I avoid spiders whenever possible. I ask my partner to take them out of the house or to kill them if they are poisonous.

When I dream about spiders, the dreams are generally dark and frightening. They typically show up to warn me about something terrible in my waking life that I need to address. That’s not a bad thing, but its petrifying in the dream. Literally, I can’t move.

Grandmother Spider, by Susan Seddon Boulet

Not long ago, I was lying in bed meditating and I had a strange vision of spiders all over the place. I wasn’t dreaming, just meditating but I wasn’t afraid. I knew they were not physically real; thought mentally they were definitely there. I was calm and I waited to see what happened next. Then I saw the Spider. Like the archetype of Spider. The Great Weaver sort of spider, that you don’t expect on a Sunday night. Well, there she was. In retrospect this could have been a Robert Smith Lullaby moment, but it wasn’t. She approached as a friend and told me to cast my web to help me capture what I want. I thought the word “weave” and she said, no. Cast your web. It wasn’t profound or deep. The message was simple, clear and direct.  I’m using words, but they were more thoughts or feelings. But the weird thing was the correction of “cast” over “weave”.

Something I feared had showed up as a friend and there was never a reason to fear it in the first place. Was it more shadow integration? I suspect so. I’ve come a long way. She was telling me to put myself out there and start creating my own business. Get out of the gig of working for others, cast my web and see what I catch. Maybe a spider version of “If you build it, they will come.” Sometimes the demons we fear are really angels in disguise.

So, I’m going to cast my web and see what happens. Wish me luck!

And just in case I started an ear-worm with The Cure’s Lullaby, go ahead and satiate it.

Baggage

WotWA few nights ago, I had one of my reoccurring anxiety dreams. This one was embedded in a different reoccurring dream where aliens are invading and I need to move quickly to survive. In this dream, it’s night out and I can only see the spacecrafts from a distance. The night is blazing orange and red from the explosions and I can see the massive ships by silhouette. I know this is the end of the world as we know it and that my wife and I need to get out of there. We don’t have much time, so we quickly start packing what we need for the pets and us. Except in the middle of all this drama, I am suddenly overcome with fear and anxiety over my suitcase.

Yes, the world is about to end, and I can’t move because of my suitcase.

suitcaseIt’s loaded with all sorts of shit that I don’t need. I don’t remember packing it myself, I just found it in that condition. It has everything in it from dresses I wore when I was eight, to brightly colored plastic building blocks I used to play with at my grandma’s house when I was little. There were stuffed animals, tons of worn-out clothing, papers I wrote in college, books that I couldn’t open, broken jewelry, ugly hair clips, loose photographs that were bent and torn, candles, chipped mugs, old greeting cards, notebooks, and old cassettes and VHS tapes with the tape pulled out and completely useless.  All of it was old, useless, shit that would not help in the event of alien invasion. In the best of times, this would be useless shit.

In my dream, I’m paralyzed by it. For a long time, all I could do is look at it and feel despair. When I was finally able to move, I started sifting through it to see if I could find anything that would help us. But there’s nothing. Not a thing in there was worth anything. I can’t even pick up the suitcase, it’s so loaded down. I started hyperventilating, because I know we needed to get out of there, but all I can think about is how I can’t move the thing and even if I could, there’s nothing in it that we’d want.

carl-jung-quotes-on-god-and-dreamsIn the waking world, I’d just go grab a trash bag and shove a few things that we needed into it. A change of clothes, some food, water, toilet paper (never forget that), soap, some pet supplies, and BOOM, out the door! But dreams don’t work like that. My subconscious was trying to belabor a point; I’m carrying around a lot of baggage that is weighing me down. SHOCKING! It didn’t take Carl Jung to figure that one out. The life of me, my spouse and my pets are in the balance, and I can’t move because I’m carrying around a colossal accumulation of mental and physical crap I should have let go years ago.

I finally decided to not take anything and we jumped into the car. But it’s too late, we’re about to be consumed by a firestorm. I woke up after that. I received the message loud and clear; start letting that stuff go.

I’ve worked extensively over the past few months to get rid of the mental baggage. I’ve dug deep in the dirt to confront the old demons of bullies, illness, bad jobs and heartbreak. But in addition to the mental baggage, I did accumulate a lot of physical junk. These are mementos, jewelry, stuffed animals, old school notes, knickknacks, clothing – tons of clothing – and stuff I simply do not need. Over the past few decades, the stuff has added up and it’s taking over my life. Since my transformation started back in April, I’ve gotten rid of several boxes of stuff, but not nearly the amount that I need to throw away. I find I’m having a lot of trouble with the reality of it. I’m giving myself one week to clear out what I don’t need. I’ve realized that unless I give myself firm deadlines, I just don’t get it done. I don’t know if it’s fear of losing something I think I might need later or fear that I will throw something out that held meaning for me once. But it’s quite clear to me that whatever relevance these items once held for me, they are holding me back now. And it needs to end.

Anxiety Dream Comic

http://rhymeswithorange.com/comics/august-10-1999/

 

The Call of Dreams

“Dreams are postcards from our subconscious, inner self to outer self, right brain trying to cross that moat to the left. Too often they come back unread: return to sender, addressee unknown. That’s a shame because it’s a whole other world out there–or in here depending on your point of view.”

―Chris in the Morning, from Northern Exposure, ep. Roots, 1991

End-of-Life-Dreams-and-Visions-479718794-750x485I had a dream last night that I went to visit my parents in Ohio. While I was there, I decided to buy my ticket back to Colorado. There was no explanation as to why I didn’t just buy a round-trip ticket to begin with, I assume this was a matter of dream logic. So, I went online to buy my return ticket, but I ended up getting a round-trip ticket to Ohio and back to Colorado. After I bought the tickets, it occurred to me that I didn’t need the ticket to Ohio since I was already there. I was very annoyed about this, but I wasn’t able to get a refund. My mind was so preoccupied that I had bought a ticket that I didn’t need, that I couldn’t enjoy the rest of the trip with my family. I kept shaking my head and thinking, why did I waste money on something I already have?!

I didn’t realize the multilayered meanings to this dream until I shared the dream with my partner over breakfast. She thought about it for a moment and said, “That’s great! It’s not often you get a dream with such clear meaning.” She was right. I had to say it out loud before I could really dig into it.

Bookcase

One of my smaller bookcases still under construction

I have a lot of shit. I mean, a LOT. Clothes, books, crystals, knickknacks, tarot decks, stuffed animals, electronic gadgets, candles, jewelry, art supplies, beads, and bits and pieces of things I no longer know what they go to anymore. If I am honest with myself, I would have to say that with the exception of food and toiletries, I could go several years without buying anything new. Maybe new books. Knowledge is always a good thing, after all. But the rest? Don’t need it.

On another level, it occurred to me that I’ve wasted a lot of time and energy wanting to be something I already was. I am a spiritual person. I am a witch. I am a powerful woman. I just didn’t realize it yet. I wasn’t confident in my own skin and I allowed other people, things, and fear to define me. I worried so much about what others thought of me that there wasn’t really a me. At least not a me that I allowed to shine through. And how much of the stuff that I bought was just to make me feel more spiritual and witchy, when all of that comes from the inside.

So, no more buying things I don’t need to clutter up my home. No more wasting time and energy on wishing I was the person I wanted to be. It’s time to live it.

hg-wells